I guess i doesn't have to be cool right? I'm tired.
I haven't done this in a really long time, but I stumbled upon the journal of a what I shall call my "past lover" who created this I'm assuming due to the influence of his real past lover.
I don't need this to make sense. I 'm just bored, I have no one to talked to, and I don't even know where to begin.
I guess it's hard b/c there are so many things that are going on and that have gone on and some many offshoot story lines that extend from those incidences and occurrences, and I always tie in the emotional factor when I'm telling a story, whether the emotions are heated or mild.
Well I guess I can start off with who I am right now and give a small (which will probably end up large) briefing. Where to even begin there.
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. . . . . . I'm 19 right now, I think it will be interesting to start documenting my crazy life, even if no one but me will read it. I don't think I will share this with Tyler for a while. I'd rather just be able to breath everything out without having to consider a response what ever it might ever sound like. I'd rather not explain anything, word choice, tone, etc. But this will be an interesting experiment if I do indeed keep up with it, since I rarely even have time. I have so many things to do right now.
Tyler is my boyfriend, and has been for the past year and 7 mon.
I can't believe it's already been over a year and a half. It is so much the way I thought it would be, everything that would happen would always be completely unexpected, and new. I would always expect a new adventure. I didn't know I would be so right. Some people would line up to be in relationship like that, but forget to consider everything that it fully entails. Completely unexpected can entail many things, good and bad. I feel like the bad things have been so hard, and it seems like sometimes, I'm having trouble letting go. But I know that's not true, I know that is just me talking. Me speaking from my present state. I was ready, but I was never prepared for the person he is, and I thought he was exactly what I wanted, and the sad and happy truth is that he is. He is everything I have ever wanted, but that too, is both good and bad. I love him . .LOVE him, I BLEED fucking love for this boy & man that I have known, for both his flaws and his wonderfulness,
and why does that make me sad. I don't even know if that's what is making me sad. Maybe it is just the only thing I can feel right now. Maybe I am just dying to feel something new. I don't really particularly like this part of myself, because no part of it makes any sense. Nothing is wrong, nothing. Me and Tyler are doing great, but I don't like to use great b/c that puts a positive spin on this whole vent. It just seems inappropriate. But everything is just right, right now. It feels good. . . . . . . . Maybe it isn't sadness, I'm feeling. Maybe my sadness is stemming from intense relief, maybe I'm afraid to breathe just yet. maybe it is actually pure and unexplainable joy that I am feeling, and I am so unaccustomed to it, it is so unfamiliar that I can't even recognize it for what it is. I'm so relieved it makes my chest ache, and my breathe becomes hard, it makes me want to break down and cry. Tyler was right this is a whole new beginning he spoke of the other day, it's the only reasonable explanation that I can muster, and it is sadly regurgitated, but it's true. I feel like I am going through what Tyler said he went through when he was practicing tremors or whatever it was called, and he was listening to colorblind. that song always makes me feel so much. amongst others, that remind me of him, there are songs that remind, me of our roots, when we were first born. They make me so nostalgic, and again I feel that irrepressible sadness of joy, when i look into my hands and see what i am keeping inside of them.
I feel so old and new. It's such a strange and overwhelming feeling. Everything is so great. I'm so scared they will think I am sad. And I am. But it isn't a sadness like anyone has ever spoken of, and if they have, I have never heard it. This is something that is completely new to me, it's heartbreaking. I Literally feel right now, as if my heart is breaking. Yet this reminds me again so much of our beginnings, like i said before. and I remember how then it was okay to express that overwhelming sadness of joy. Why was it so okay then to express those feelings?
Yes something came alive in the both of us, something we couldn't touch with our hands, or our words, or our eyes. And we accepted that it was okay, not to understand this thing we couldn't explain. But now, i feel If I digress into these states, of wonder, and confusion, and breaking down to rebuild again, the pain and agony and miracle, the joy (such a wonderful word when you really use it in the sense it was meant for, joy, not too excited or underrated a word, it is just right, and it is strong, and intense and at the same time quiet) of just having to be reborn and experiencing that with your lover, tyler is so beautiful it also makes me want to cry, he is just . . and his physical beauty speaks of everything he has inside of him everything. his cover tells you the whole story. It tells you that he is like an angel and not just any angel, the great majestic, strong and beautiful kind, literally of biblical proportions, and at the same time his cover tells in his story, that you will wander in to these woods knowing nothing, the brightest and darkest room, every footstep that follows the next is lead only by bravery. When he stands there confident and humble, strong and quiet. his innocent curiosity of me. So childlike and genius at the same time, I feel like a delicate and beautiful flower that he has stumbled upon and a thick and dark forest and he wants to touch me, but he is careful, so not to pollute the flowers beauty to preserve it, and bask in its rays love and understanding. And I fill him, and he fills me, our entire being, it gets to the point sometimes where it's hard to just refer to us as "him" and then "I". He's eyes, even the thought of his eyes, I don't want to have to describe them, and at the same time I ache for the ability to express it, i can't, not with words anyway.
Do I deserve this, do I deserve these feelings, what I am feeling right now?
He is going to come home right now, how will I explain myself. Sitting here at the computer, writing, I never sit at the computer and write, the music I'm listening to, everything that makes me feel him, when he isn't here maybe it just makes me feel, crying he will think I'm sad for sure. He will become doubtful, and he knows everything is good, so why should I seem unhappy, and Like I said at the beginning at our birth, this would not have been out of the ordinary, it would have been acceptable. He would understand, because we were experiencing it simultaneously, and now, it sporadic.
I don't want to speak. I want to just be invisible right now with my feelings and my thoughts, I just want to hold them close to me, I want to hold him close to me and through our touch I can just translate my blood through his heart, and he will feel my thoughts, and he will understand and not have to ask questions, at least about my state.
I'm not perfect, I am in love at the moment with my imperfection, I am in love with my humanity I am paralyzed by it and frozen in this state of awe. This is what it means to be human. These are the feelings that uniquely only a human can understand, and not understand at all. These are the feelings that will break a human down and feed them pulsating life, and you grow, like vines, a beautiful bright green that is so sharp it is almost fluorescent in any light, with beautiful large leaves like pulsing hearts. When you feel like this on the inside, you forget about your body, you don't even remember your own reflection, you don't remember the shade to the flesh that covers your the rest of your body, you are not your body, i am the vines, I am free within and without myself, I am at peace in my storm, and am blissfully sleeping and dreaming and awake and alert in my chaos, strong and quiet, I am . ..done.
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fictitiousdogma's journal
